I Remember

I
Eyes agate cold
Hard black ice
Hatred’s disengagement
Disappointments toughened gaze
I remember the silence
Of simple words unspoken
“I love you” never heard
Until doubt made me ask
Thrown away line
“Of course”
And
God loves you if you are good
How could I be good enough
For God
When flesh of flesh
Was never good enough for you
Sperm grown from you
Male of male
Your hatred of your sexuality
Thrown full force in my face

Do I forgive?
It’s the Christian thing to do
Yet truth be told
I’m not sure I do
There is a part, Kronos like of mythology
Would take a sickle to dis-embowel
To see in eyes agate cold
The pain you caused in me
They say it’s patricide
Yet how could it be
That implies you were
A father to me
Your restless soul
Stalks the corridors of eternity
Still comes back to me
And I confess
If I could rip your soul apart
I’d tear you space from space
I’d throw my rage back in your face
Your disappointing son
I know you passed to me
The legacy of our family
Yet you and your God
Were impotent
Content to rage in
Hatred for your humanity
And wreck revenge
On me
And I, Vesuvius capped
Have learnt to smile
Yet sulphuric volcanic rage
Within subterranean layers roils
For I remember
But I will not let you win
Anger will be transformed

The phoenix will rise within

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badgerslabyrinth

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